Gracefully Broken

gracefully broken

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Get ready for a long post here in Gracefully Broken!

The other day a post on Instagram caught my attention. It discussed what people share on social media. This person’s point was that all posts need to (not should) be honest, authentic and basically you! Her point was that when you’re posting on social media and regardless of whether your intent is to influence or not, you really are an influencer. Your posts, your thoughts, your images all have the potential to influence someone. It is a fact. Understand that influence is one of those words that can be positive or negative.

I adored the post from a woman who is a naturopath that talked about how for her son’s birthday party she didn’t go all healthy with the food. She did go gluten free but there was sugar and junk food. The point was that while she talks about health, food and family on her social media – she is a real person with quirks and foibles. Yes, I said foibles. (It means a minor weakness or eccentricity in someone’s character according to Google’s dictionary.)

Her post made a lot of sense. She even prefaced it with a note that some might argue against it, support it or ignore it. (Personally this is how I approach anything and everything I post online – say it with me now if you know me – “It is what it is.”) I totally could understand where she is coming from with her words.

For me, I am authentic in what I post. Hush, Mom, I’m not done. Most of the images, quotes, words, thoughts, articles and videos are ones I post for ME. Yes, me. (you might be thinking – oooh she’s SOooo self-absorbed!) No, I’m not. I post them because they resonate within me as Truth, with a capital “T”. I don’t feel the need to swear but if the post is one I’m sharing from someone else and it has it in it, I don’t hesitate. I don’t feel the need to share political posts because it isn’t ME to do so. If I see something and my immediate reaction is “Oh I HAVE got to share this!” then I will go ahead and do just that.

Now do I edit, cull and hold back some things? Yes, yes I do. Do I feel I need to share every moment with the world? No. Are there people who do? Sure. Do I judge them for it? No. Do I read everything they post? Probably not but I am aware of most things that are happening with those important to me – most of the time. This is me and I am unique and one-of-a-kind – just like you, haha, irony. I don’t expect anyone else to be…me. Heck, please don’t. I barely can handle myself each day!

I’ve been told I could be a bit more vulnerable with people, share the broken, sad, traumatic events that pull at my heart strings. Usually this is my husband saying this but I get his point. When I don’t share anything but the positive, uplifting, soulful posts people have no clue what is really going on inside. This suited me for a large part of my life. I’m working on changing it a little bit.

There have been numerous times in my life I have felt like I was hit by a freight train. I knew other people had felt this way too so I never wanted to add to their burden or woes by sharing mine. I heard a song earlier today – Gracefully Broken by Matt Redman and Tasha Cobbs Leonard which got me thinking about this. The lyrics caught my attention:

Here I am, God
Arms wide open
Pouring out my life
Gracefully broken

Most people don’t know that for a period of about four years, I dealt numerous heart wrenching, soul aching, not so positive events – my mother being diagnosed with breast cancer (she’s good and taking care of herself), her sister being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer (a very short battle took her in 2014), my mother-in-law being diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer (she sadly lost her two year battle in 2015), her sister being diagnosed with non-hodgkin’s lymphoma (she, too sadly lost her battle in 2015). My father had a quadruple bypass, one of my businesses closed its doors and I had to rebrand my healing business – I wasn’t even sure I was going to continue with it. Oh and I had my own scare with a precancerous pap smear result and concerning area on a mammogram (both within a week of each other) – I’m good and healthy now. I fully believe stress is what caused those issues. I got through it because I was and still am gracefully broken.

I am gracefully broken. I am perfectly imperfect. I am an ordained minister who at times swears like an Irish sailor and drinks (not nearly as much as when I was younger, heck, not nearly as much as two years ago – drink that is). I’m an eclectic spiritual philosopher – I LOVE my connection to God (or whatever you prefer to refer to Spirit, Higher Power, Universe, etc). My hair is blond (ok almost white – thanks Hurley genes) and purple, aqua and blue because I like it that way. I’m a mother who has not always been available to my children, yelled at them, made them fend for their own dinner, wash their own clothes, missed a concert or school event here and there and so on. I also sing them to sleep and meditate with them. I have ADHD but don’t let it be my excuse. I use the knowledge to work through challenges – sometimes. Other times, I’m distracted, gracefully broken.

I have guilt. I worry. I analyze. I’m a Virgo it’s what we do. I forget to call my mother or stop by when she’s asked me to. I get busy and don’t spend time with my friends. I get lost in my own head and don’t spend time with anyone. I’m a long sleeper and if I don’t get enough sleep I’m a miserable cuss. I love to be alone but am a social butterfly at parties. Give me a book and I can jump into a world outside of my own at any moment because there have been times when I didn’t really like THIS world. I was bullied as a young adult, numerous times. I wasn’t always pretty – as a child I was awkward, tomboyish and gangly. This girl still lives within me at all times. Outside she looks prepared to take on the world, inside she questions if she is worthy. Ah, but not of God’s love or her mother’s or children’s love. That little girl and adult is sure of those. Both are gracefully broken.

I live for my evening hot baths. I meditate. I nap. I drink wine. I masturbate. Not all at once but I suppose it is worth a good “try”. I cook only when I’m not tired and I buy takeout when I don’t feel like cooking. I love to make huge meals for my family on holidays but the rest of the time I’d prefer they make their own dinner – my children are nearly all out of high school and are quite capable of this. I hate to clean. Dust bunnies have become dust dragons breathing dog hair “fire” all over. Thank goodness for bagless vacuum cleaners and child (nearly adults) labor. You can find more about me on the FUN FACTS page!

Earlier this year, I chose my word/theme of the year – choice. I wanted to understand more about my choices in my life. Intentful, soul purpose based choices and how they are made. I have longed for focus. It is a constant challenge (as it is for most people I believe). I also wanted to take responsibility for my choices. Not just make intentful choices but acknowledge when my choice led me not exactly where I wanted to go.

My social media posts show the part of me I want to enhance, grow with and heal. I choose to post positive, uplifting, soulful posts. This boils down to choice. I choose. I choose me. It isn’t self-absorbed. It isn’t selfish. It isn’t conceited.

It is self-aware. It is conscious connection with the Divine within me. I am gracefully broken. Everything I post, share, or comment on is part of me. I choose me and I choose to share with you.

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